The addiction

I am currently in the 2 week wait (2WW)... everyday is killing me.

For many that start TTC they don't realise the complete ins and outs of a full cycle. The main points are: start with AF, fertile period/ovulation (mid cycle), if pregnant that cycle implantation at approx 7-10 days after ovulation, then lastly  your AF is due. My cycle is approx 28 days (classed as normal).

Ladies will find out if their pregnant by whether AF arrives at the end of the cycle or not. For most they want to find out early or their cycles are not always the same length so they use a Home Pregnancy Test (HPT). A HPT is effective after approx 3+ days after implantation, this is due to the increasing hormone levels in the body, this is why it is called the dreaded 2WW.

Now I remember the first time I used a HPT. I was scared by it as previously when not TTC you didnt want to see 2 lines....so my mind was playing tricks on me. The first few months TTC drag on so I was using HPTs alot as I was so impatient by the end of the month and I still considered this all an easy game and I would be pregnant in no time. 

As months rolled by the addiction began, I was going through many tests a month (more than I would like to admit). Some months I would be so stupid and test way to early - to the point where implantation would not even occurred yet. Everytime I drove past the shops in the 2WW I thought about stopping in and buying a few more tests 'just in case'. My addiction was to the point where I had to test at 'certain' times - I had to be alone and no one was expected over so I could have my downer moment if needed. I would not let Aaron know I was testing because I couldn't break his heart by saying we were unsuccessful again. I knew it was wrong to test so much but I was so desperate to see a positive I thought the more I tested the higher my chances of getting that positive. The silly thing was I was purchasing the most expensive tests, not just internet cheapies, as I thought I would hit the jackpot soon and not need a big supply of them.  How wrong was I.

The worst part of this addiction is the results, a big fat negative (BFN). To this day I have never had a positive result...not even a faulty test playing tricks on me. After trying your hardest throughout a cycle and then seeing that negative hurts more than I could ever explain. Some months I get down and depressed for a day, some months longer. When we hit the year mark of TTC I decided I needed to stop testing as much as it was doing my head in - big time!

After all this time I have now learnt not to test at all, just wait AF out....it is too painful .... and don't even mention the cost. Don't get me wrong the addiction is still there I just know that with our chances being slim to conceive naturally there is no point keeping tests at home. I never have them in stock anymore so the temptation is weaker.

I still dream of the day when I see that miracle second line .... that will be such an exciting day.