That b*tch .... AF

AF is due today, I can feel her knocking at the door...painful back and boobs, stomach cramps and the lovely headaches that follow.  As you know I don't use home pregnancy tests anymore but being in the TTC game for this long makes it easy to pick the noticeable period signs.

For the week leading up to AF you look for any sign your body is changing ... sore veiny boobs,  high temps, sickness etc. You get to the point where you are poking yourself so much you are making your boobs sore and you are talking yourself into vomiting. Early pregnancy signs (EPS) are the worst and drive you insane as they are not set in stone, they differ for every lady, so our hopes run so high during the 2 week wait.

Nothing can prepare you for AF, not even a BFN on the same morning....somehow we always hold onto some hope. The worst is when all your hopes and dreams are shattered by that first real sign AF is here. Even if you were expecting that b*tch it still does not make it any easier.

The depressed state is the worst of this whole TTC game, it has driven me crazy in the past. Just before/during our initial testing in June 2010 I became depressed. I don't mean sad for one day-fine the next. I mean horribly depressed to the point where I thought I might need to seek professional help. Now nothing is wrong with admitting depression, I understand alot about it and I realise it is a serious matter. However this was such a hard thing for me to admit to myself as I have always been known as the 'clown' of family/friends, I was always the one you turn to in need of cheering up or just a general talk....but at this point who was there to cheer me up? Who was going to help me out of the blues and my worries?

I am not going to go into this too much as it is still a sensitive area but I mention it so you can understand how much TTC can drive the 'happiest' person insane. I know how to deal with my worries and concerns TTC wise now but even if you expect AF it still causes this pain to resurface....to be honest this is very hard to explain unless you have 'walked in my shoes'.

I never tell people in real life when AF has arrived, I never want sympathy or to talk about it..... I just want to have a few days to myself where I can be sad that our situation is not all going to plan. This is just a time where Aaron and I are reminded we are not in the 'normal' group when it comes to conceiving, it's not that easy for us. At this time we feel like failures and all I want to do is cry myself to sleep.